Is there anyone we can trust?

One of the benefits of my boyfriend is I’m pretty sure that I know what I’m getting.  I may not like everything about the way he behaves, but I am confident there is nothing hidden behind the scenes.  But in general, I don’t think that’s true with most people.  I concede that one can never be 100% certain, and it’s awful to hear about the situations where people are caught off guard about their friends, spouses, or children.

Last week, an admin manager at my company plead guilty to two counts of embezzlement with previous employers.  We are all very surprised that such a person could be hired by our firm to begin with.  I have also heard the stories of a former employer who was fired after downloading or printing inappropriate photos at the office.  This was before my time and I never met this person, so I have no idea what their personality was or how they interacted with people.

I just finished the book Between Good and Evil, which is a memoir of sorts by Roger L. Depue who was leading developer of criminal profiling with the FBI.  What they learned in the early years of the program, is how the sophisticated serial killers hide among us as normal and regular  people.  They also discovered the pattern of genetic characteristics in people subject to terrible abuse at a young age, common in these people who became unremorseful killers.

We all have been surprised by the character of people we thought we knew well.  And we all have been in vulnerable situations where the character of the people around us are critical to our safety.  Especially as young people, we often do not think to maintain a safety system in case of emergency, or avoid putting ourselves in vulnerable situations.

the Secret to Happiness?

I happen to catch this speech on the radio and a few phrases resonate with some ideas in my head lately:

“The fact that we’re all connected now is a blessing, not a curse.  We can solve many, many problems in the world as a result.  Not only is it an advantage that you all have, but it’s a responsibility.

All of these connections that you forge … are also not possible without you, without a heart.  …  But you cannot let technology rule you. … Take 1 hour a day and turn that thing off.

Take your eyes off that screen and look into the eyes of the person that you love. Alright.  Have a conversation, a real conversation with the friends that make you think, with the family who makes you laugh.  … Engage in the world around you, and feel, taste, and smell and hug what’s right there, right in front of you.

Friends (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Life is not about a friend count but about the friends who actually you can count on.  … Life is about who you love, how you live, it’s about who you travel with through the world, your family, you collaborators, your friends.  Life is a social experience first.  And the best aspects of that experience are not lonely ones, they’re spent in the company of others.

Now our modern landscape has changed, yes, but our humanity will always remain.  And that above all else makes us who we are.”

excerpted from Eric Schmidt, Commencement Speech for the 2012 Boston University Graduation

I have been thinking about how we treat each other and how we want to be treated by others.  Essentially, I think we’re all searching for acceptance.  We want to know that what we do matters to someone, has an impact on their lives, and makes them happy.  The best thing we can do for people is accept them for who they are (while helping them improve upon faults) and make them feel like they matter to us.

Another point of view on this topic is thinking about how we bring joy to others: TED Talk by Shawn Achor: The happy secret to better work  (related book How Full is Your Bucket?)

My friend Laura is such a nice person, and so great at paying attention to people and making them feel important.  She always remembers things I say, when I give a gift, the next time I see her she talks about using the gift or shows me how she has displayed the item.  Her ability to make everyone feel important amazes and inspires me.

I think the people who need this the most are often the ones least likely to receive it.  Or maybe the ones that receive it the least are the ones who really suffer from this missing element.  I guess we all need this treatment, in a sincere and constructive way.

• See a blog post about Finding Happiness by Somethingville.com
• Zoe Weil’s personal story of adult encouragement during her youth

Couple Married 72 Years Die Holding Hands

Last week I learned the lyrics to one of my favorite songs is I will Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab for Cutie.  Open this link to have the song play while you read a touching article about this loving couple.  Then listen to the song again and read the lyrics, if you don’t already know the lyrics.  …May we all find such a partner in life.

What is also funny to me, recently I was chatting with some aunts and uncles.  Somehow the discussion diverged into death and burial and cremation.  One of my aunts made a comment that if you mix the ashes of two people, it’s like Sex after Death.  …May we all find such a partner for the after life.

Our Chance for Success depends on The Year, or Time of Year We Are Born

I recently heard a discussion on one of my favorite radio programs Radiolab, summarizing key points in a book Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell, about how the possibility of individual success depends on the time period and circumstances that you are born into.  In summary the theory is this: For people coming of age at the time of the depression, economic circumstances prevented this group from achieving great success.   By the time the depression was over, their age and experience was so lacking that they  never overcame the disadvantage.  But their children were born under different circumstances, especially if born during a year of low birthrate.

People who are born during a low birth year, have many fewer competitors throughout the development years.  If they want to go out for Quarterback of the High School Varsity team, they have a much better chance of success.   And the successful opportunities build on each other, building confidence in the individual, creating the recipe for continual success.

I also wonder if the time of year you are born influences your circumstances for success.  It has been shown that many of the greatest hockey players are born during a particular range of months.  During the developmental years when hockey players are first trained, there can be a significant physical difference in kids of that age group, and the more developed children have the advantage for success.

Because my birthday falls toward the end of the year, and right after the cutoff for being enrolled in school early, I was one of the older kids in my class growing up.  Did that circumstance give me a mental advantage for success in school?  I did fairly well in K-12 education without excessive effort, just dedication to completing the assignments.

The other bit I love about that Radiolab episode, how does labeling children as gifted or genius affect the development of that talent?

The American Dream, Do we realize what we’re chasing?

According to Wikipedia, “The American Dream, sometimes in the phrase “Chasing the American Dream,” is a national ethos of the United States in which freedom includes a promise of the possibility of prosperity and success.”

Unfortunately there has been a significant focus on the materialistic attributes of that definition, “My status is determined by my possessions, therefor we should have more stuff.”  In order to have more stuff, products had to become cheaper.  And it seems the pursuit of materials has resulted in degradation of the family unit, degradation of our actions aligning with our values, and decreased safety.  Now it seems we care more about buying more stuff, as cheaply as possible, then about how the production of those items affects the environment, the welfare of the workers producing those items, and resulting affects our own well being.  The Walmart slogan “Save Money, Live Better” is completely backwards.

Places like Walmart (and a long list of similar big box stores) create a downward spiral of the quality of life we experience.  They do not build up our lives as their commercials would have you believe.  Good quality products cost money to ensure the product is safe, that the workers in the farms, the factories, and at the stores can earn a decent wage, and that the product has the least impact on the environment.   Quality products last longer, therefor costing less in the long run.  Even when the product requires future maintenance, that effort provides a job for someone in your local community and reduces the amount of waste going into a landfill.

The American Dream should be about improving the quality of life of the society, and improving the opportunity for all who strive to accomplish their dreams, without hurting others.  What if we change our focus in the pursuit of the “American Dream” to support others in achieving their dreams?  What if all 312 million people in the U.S. identified one thing they would like to improve in our society, and started working to achieve that change?

I guess we start by first denying the lies told by the retail industry.  And by starting with one change at a time to achieve something we believe in.

The problem with Bridezillas…

is that people allow themselves to imitate similar behavior as these bridezillas, and justify their selfish behavior by saying it is not as bad as the people seen on TV.  The TV Show Bridezillas is a reality drama of the most extreme cases of selfish behavior (the princess syndrome).  No one should set that as a guideline for behavior.

Most reality TV shows are having a similar effect.  We compare ourselves to the most extreme of bad behavior to say our behavior is acceptable when not as severe at what we watch on TV.  The other drawback to watching these shows is that we are more likely to repeat the behavior viewed.  Humans imitate what they see, as a learning tool, during development.  Unless a person has consciously  thought about what action they wish to take in a given situation, the person is most likely to imitate the action they viewed in others.

But humans are not logical…

Humans are not Logical

Although I think people apply logic to make a decisions everyday, I think we have not stepped out to look at the overall picture in a logical way.

• Technology has made life more streamlined and easier.  It’s the nonsense we on fill our lives with that makes technology more complicated and inefficient.
• We trust celebrities, commercials, reality TV more than our government.
• How much is a  man supposed to spend on a ring to propose marriage?
• How much will the couple and family spend for one wedding day?  Everyone spends months (years?) stressing about every detail.  During the big day, the couple is so busy they barely say hi to everyone.  We need to reevaluate want vs. needs here.  There must be an easier, cheaper, less stressful way.
• People who choose physical and financial torture to conceive children over adoption.
• There are a few people out there who require medical assistance to get pregnant, and then reject the medical recommendation to terminate some of the multiple embryos because it’s God’s Will for them to conceive that many children.
• I get frustrated at my friends for evenly splitting the restaurant bill, but have no problem buying groceries and making dinner for the whole group.

to be continued…

Weight Gain around the Holidays is a Natural Cycle

Courtesy of MinniePauz.com

In the last few years I have repeated a cycle of weight gain at the holidays and weight loss the few months following.  I really enjoy food and there are so many holiday treats that I wait all year to make.  Thanksgiving dinner alone is my favorite meal, and now thanks to a group of friends who celebrate “Practice Thanksgiving” the weekend before, I get to enjoy it twice a year.  So with all the bread, potatoes, cookies, etc. I tend to get a little chubby by the end of the year.  Luckily this weight gain is followed by some weight loss in January and February.  For some reason this is the easiest time for me to lose weight.  Maybe it’s the cold temperatures and I burn more calories creating heat.  Or maybe I don’t have as much activity (social and physical) and so it’s easier to resist food.  By the time spring comes around and I increase my exercise, I don’t really lose more weight.

A friend of mine who is a biologist recently described to me the natural cycle of the human body is to put on weight in the fall, when fruits and produce is harvested, and then lose weight in the winter months when food production is more scarce.  This has likely been developed throughout centuries of evolution.  The natural cycle of weight gain likely is a root cause to having so many traditions in the fall associated with food.

So I can embrace this cycle and enjoy my favorite food traditions, as long as I keep a balance with healthy habits following the holidays.

When were “The Good Ole Days”

I recently watched a movie The Gangs of New York, which depicts life in New York City in the 1860′s.  I don’t remember my education in history covering the life and violence of the conflicting gangs in the Five Points district of the city.  As much as people may complain about the difficulties of life today, and the loss of values and respect for fellow mankind, it certainly does not compare the suffering people endured back then.

And what followed this time period?  The gold rush and the experiences in the wild west.  The turn of the century and prohibition.  The 1920′s sound like they were nice.  The Great Depression.  The Woman’s rights movement.  The Civil Rights movement.  Two world wars, the atom bomb, Chernobyl, Vietnam, the Cold War… I suppose the 1990′s were nice again for people living in the US.

So what historical time period do we idolize and compare our current situation to?  I suppose we are remembering the prosperous condition of any past group of people under any time period.  As if those worry free and stable situations of these particular groups of people were far-reaching, long-lasting, and never to be found again.

Courtesy of http://www.nicholsoncartoons.com.au

Or maybe in remembering The Good Ole Days is a heartwarming reminisce about anything.  A time when we long for an ideal lifestyle.  Sometime we imagine where everyone contributes what they can for the good of the group, where people work hard to earn their share of resources, where people are not discriminated against for gender, age, sexual orientation, beliefs, or anything other than their actions.   Where basic necessities include good education and health care, a decent wage to earn a living, and quality time with your family.  Can you believe there is a magazine that does just that? The Good Ole Days

I think this happens throughout history, including today.  Unfortunately it’s not universal for all people.

Flashing your Headlights – What does it mean?

So many things are conveyed by people flashing the car’s headlights at other motorists and pedestrians, how do we know what the intended communication means?  If only everyone knew Morse code.  My online research suggests there is not yet a set definition for specific flash patterns.  So why not start a language and see if it catches on?

1 Flash – One or both of your headlights are out (not on or may not be working).

2 Flashes – I’m planning to pass you on the road.

3 Flashes – Upcoming danger on the road or police monitoring.

What else am I missing?